Have you ever been so happy that you are almost scared because you know that it all could be taken away in an instant? It’s a very great blessing to feel this way. I know there are many people who have never felt that happy, and sadly may never feel it.
In my recent past, I’ve spent many nights laying in bed wondering what I’ve ever done to deserve the life God’s given me. Lord, I’ve made so many bad choices that have hurt You much more than they’ve hurt me or anyone else, yet You have always provided me with way more than what I need. You gave me the most amazing husband who has no idea how incredible he is and has held my hand, pulling me along the glorious and narrow path to You. I’m a completely different person than I was before I met him, and I couldn’t be more thankful and joyful due to these changes. Then, you blessed our lives with Edith…there are no words. Ryan and I cannot imagine our lives without her. We reflect on the days leading up to our marriage and the short time after the wedding when we would tell people, “We probably won’t have a kid for a couple of years so I can get through the sonography program and we can save up a little more.” We had our own plan. Well, guess what? God had a way better one. When we have kids and when we don’t should never be our own plan… God’s the one that decides when His creations will be entering into this world, not us. God granted us with the wisdom to understand that now, and man, are we gracious for it. We are so excited to be fully and completely open to life. We are ready for another baby as soon as God wants us to have one.
We’ve learned that this decision to give our lives to God makes Him incredibly pleased. Besides the facts that God is beyond merciful and also gracefully generous, I believe that He blesses my family and I so much because He knows that we are seeing these blessings. We tell Him so, not near enough of course (we still have a very long way to go), but we thank Him for our lives and the blessings that surround them. Because we love God, we all have to give Him the only feasible thing we have to give and that is ourselves. Our entire being. We must “deny [ourselves] and take up [our] cross.” That means there is no more me, there is just God. My wants should only be God’s wants. It’s extremely hard to do this. It’s really, really hard to fight the temptations of the devil. It’s difficult and it takes a whole lot of courage to follow our Lord, but when we do it, God makes it worth it. He blesses us, he fills us with joy. When I’m not listening to God, I find myself to be very unhappy for a number of reasons, but the underlying reason for my unhappiness is because I disobeyed my Father. Deep down I am sorry because I know that I failed and hurt the One that I love and the One that loves me more than anyone in this world could ever love me. Because I don’t want to feel this way and because I love God and want to be with Him in Heaven, I try to deny myself every day and take up that cross.
For anyone who has yet to feel the happiness and joy that comes from following Jesus, I send out some prayers, that you will find the courage to take up your cross and love God. Please pray for me too, people!
P.S. Also say a prayer for my godson, Oliver, who is on his way into this world right now, as well as for my sister in law, Stephanie, and my brother, Brian!